What If They See the Real Me
Dear Shame, I am so tired and exhausted. I am so tired of you torturing me. I am so tired of pretending and wasting so much energy to hide myself. To present only the edited parts of me. The parts that are lovely and sweet and kind. My dark side is big.
I always felt throughout my education and my life, as well as my personal relationships, that people are going to find out who I really am and then reject me in a way saying: we always knew she was faking it all along. Somewhere along the way I realized I had it so strong in me, torturing me, day and night. The feelings that one day my parents will know who I really am, which when pronounced, looks almost ridiculous. They will upon that, disown me and reject me forever.
Furthermore, every partner I was with, I thought, will see how I feel depressed and lonely sometimes and they will reject me for my weakness. In addition, I felt all my friends accepted me from a place of “pity” rather than true connection and love. I felt all of them knew at some point, deep down, I was a total and utter fake. Many years after, I discover this thing called the Imposter Syndrome and millions of pages written about it. Celebrities and successful people saying they feel it, struggle with it. Like many times before, I just thought, their feelings couldn’t be as bad as my feelings, my feelings are definitely worse. Dehumanizing them and detaching from their pain was just another way of detaching from mine.
The shame and the fear of being vulnerable is so strong that at one point in our lives we start to believe we are fake because that actually protects us. It protected me, in my own safe spot inside. Protected me from the time I had to face it. I was not ready. I didn’t have the tools or the support. It was not safe. Thank you my imposter syndrome, for protecting me. I thank you and I am prepared to let you go. To free myself at the pace that is right for me. In order not to fall apart.
I look at my shame and how it has flooded me and my life, I see all my memories through the lens of shame. Feeling like every accomplishment ever, was never made by me. Consciously, I know this is not true. But unconsciously, I have been swimming in shame.
If somebody told me I would be sharing this publicly, I would laugh at them. Never will I show my “weakness”. I will never tell them how fake I feel. I will never do that.
You can try and google Imposter syndrome for more information, it is really helpful. Even starting the discussion helps. For even more insight on the biggest problem ever, visit any YouTube video by Dr Brene Brown, she is truly remarkable and her studies show what most of us feel every single day.
The fear of being seen, judged and rejected and what is the biggest of them all, IGNORED. :)
P.S. For those of you who really want to step out of it, there is no real recipe. It is hard. But maybe if we all meet for a “swim in the pool of shame” day, we can at least point the elephant in the room. _____ (insert creative verb) about it. It helps.
