The Nature of Love
When I say love, we all probably first think about our romantic relationships. What I was planning to write about was that, but I realized it has more to do with every other relationship in our life, including the relationship with ourselves.
My long term belief was: relationships and love is about giving, always giving and then …giving some more. Little did I know that even an infinite resource like that can be easily spent if I was not giving it to myself, if I had no source to draw from.
What I learned from every failed relationship and numerous successful ones is this: there is no such thing as a successful or unsuccessful relationship. Some specialized experts refer to it as a dance and I must agree this is the best analogy I heard so far. I think the whole fault in human thinking is: we can measure how successful it is, we can measure the amount of happy vs. sad moments, the level and duration of commitment…It’s all superficial if you ask me. Would you opt for a safe marriage filled with just happy smiley all the time? I would go nuts and frankly, life is probably gonna throw in some challenges for you, and the character of the person next to you matters.
I wanted to write about break-ups, but I would have missed the message. Rarely is break-up a nice, easy thing to do. I have gone through two major ones after long term relationships and numerous “little” ones. Without exception, all were painful. Nevertheless, with a few years behind, I can say it was all well worth it. Every single painful acceptance of the fact that something was dead made me more alive. Is it a recipe? God, no. In my life though, it was necessary.
I am not ashamed to admit that my life is more driven by love than anything else and I know I am not alone when I talk about it. Sure, there are people who commit themselves only to work and say with a serious look: I don’t base my decisions on love and I would prove them wrong. I have seen so many, dedicating their lives to career, only to seek love in all the wrong avenues: they would do anything for love, scraping for approval everywhere they go, giving their last penny only for the chance to be loved. It’s totally inefficient and less than professional.
We seek for love everywhere, even under the carpet. Where is that love? Why I am not being loved in return? Why is everyone around me so fake? Why, why, why… It’s like weeping Myrtle.
There is just one fundamental flaw: we don’t seek it in ourselves.
I’m not trying to sound cliche or take a simple spiritual lesson and try to fit it to every relationship problem you ever had. What I really mean to say is knowing what is love and where to find it in ourselves is the first step to finding more concrete solutions, help and compassion in every relationship.
How does the lack of love within manifest? It manifests in applying the same behavior over and over again and not getting what we need. It manifests in choosing all the wrong people because the right ones are not good enough for you. It’s refusing help from people who know better. It’s refusing to dance with life. It’s refusing to feel and do anything other then what we felt and did so far. It’s not respecting that we are here to learn and grow. It’s the fact that we keep trying to find the safe place, which is a denial of life itself.
All my romantic relationships so far have taught me I don’t need one, but I deserve it. I don’t need one, but I can have the best one for me. The feeling of need basically comes from the ignored and disrespected part of me that is trying to get my attention, not anyone else’s. It wants me.
I have this theory that most people walk around this planet hurt, but emotionally unpacked. They would practically do anything possible just not to get hurt again. They base all of their decisions on that and are not even aware of it. The ones that say: it all happened randomly and life is a series of mindless events, randomly happening. I am not saying everything revolves around humans, definitely not. But saying we don’t have a say in what we do, have we behave and the pain in our life is completely random is something I cannot agree to, simply because my life had the thread of meaning in it, that always connects all the dots. There is always something to learn, such is the nature of love.
Even when life is hurting you, it’s loving you. That’s my motto. Instead of asking why this happened, how about what is the love message behind this? There is always something that loves you behind your trouble, something that whispers: please accept this love and take this lesson.
Luckily, I have taken it many times. :) What I learned is not universal for everyone, but it is crucial for me. More or less, all you have to do is listen. We are so little and so ignorant in the vastness that surrounds us, that not listening is …well, stupid. OK, I know, sometimes it just takes a while.
Next time life smacks you, take it as: God is turning up the volume, so I can hear better.
