The Meaning of Sexuality
How do people innately know that there is something pathological about promiscuity, prostitution or pornography?
Firstly, I must say, this is far from a judgmental religious rant. I have never been a fan of short-sighted awareness of the majority of religious members and misinterpreted teachings on the nature and “appropriateness” of one’s own sexually driven behaviors. That being said, this is the derived from a personal pursuit of own sexuality and the meaning that is hidden behind it, the true nature of powerful and healthy sexuality.
Before anybody ever has sex in their lives, that is all they fear or all they think about (of course not before the hormones kick in, when we become aware of the urges of our bodies). When they finally do it, most people feel some kind of breakthrough and decide this is now only a matter of practice. Some fall in love with it and do it diligently, some decide to practice it in a relationship, some decide they dislike it and continue disliking it throughout their life. But rarely does someone decide to observe and see how they can develop their own sexuality. Sure, you can practice the physical act all you want, you can get very skillful. But without reflecting on it, it stay absolutely, just a physical act. One that arouses or not, where we sweat more or less, we develop new poses or not, we are bored or we have an adrenaline kick. Some people say there is nothing more to sex than the body. If that was true, than every model like person would be able to bring us to climax.
Why is that not so and what does the other person have to do with our own sexuality?
Why don’t we have an orgasm every time and why some people rarely have orgasms? My answers were ever so simple when I wanted it to be complicated. The connection and the love felt for the other person, in addition to my allowing of pleasure in every area of my life, the allowing of surrender. And finally, the one thing that I am still discovering, the reason behind every sexual act. The meaning I attach to it. Why some experiences are never forgotten and some are lost in blur just as quickly as they are gone. The more we are connected with our own sexuality, our ability to enjoy life, to surrender and to connect with the partner, the more meaning we find in the act, the less inclined we are to just give it away for free or even to share the story…Not that it means anything if you want to just practice it with whomever, but you will not getting anything new from it, you’ll just get “skillful”, which for some people is enough. For me, the interesting part is when men think, I am such a skillful lover, she comes every time and don’t see it is just as far from the truth as saying the reason a woman can’t find pleasure is because he is a bad lover.
I feel most people that watch pornography or people that are “promiscuous” (I don’t like the label, I am strongly against it because it feels judgmental) too often find it hard to just find the pleasure in their own life. Or they just want a “relief”. Which has nothing to do with sexuality, let alone enjoying it. And they are free to do so no matter what the “moral world” has to say about it. The question is…can they find something more, can they find true sexuality and enjoyment?
Our world is so bombarded by seeing sex everywhere and marketing is full of it, especially in the West. Because we are so detached from our own sexuality and our ability to find pleasure without seeking so diligently outside (more sex, more food, more pornography, more sex in commercials, just more!).
Am I saying the world actually needs more pleasure and more sex? Yes. We crave it. The real thing. The true sexuality. Allowing pleasure in our life in the smallest things (a conversation, taking a shower, observing nature, a cup of tea or coffee) and allowing meaningful sex, created out of connection (gratefulness for the other person, admiration of their strengths and their love for us).
There is no point in denying our craving, whether it is abstinence with the goal of suppression or overindulgence with the hope that it will ever be something more.
I hope this Sunday makes you grateful for who you have next to you and I wish you the ability to find pleasure in the smallest things. After that, maybe we can be lovers with more meaning.
